Horizons

Big congrats to Summit Athletes Aleck Alleckson and Garren Watkins. Aleck set his all-time personal best at 9:26, Ironman Hawaii couple weeks back, smashing his prior marathon personal best of 3:20 with a 3:16. To think…running was Aleck’s limiter and weakness when we began together 2 years ago. Aleck took his weakness and turned it into, arguably his strongest segment. Garren Watkins, of whom I’ve worked with now into the second season, who missed Kona by a few minutes at South Africa last year. Garren had the unfortunate bike crash couple weeks before Wisconsin and missed about 6 bike-run workouts the final 2 weeks and all of the swim workouts due to wrist injury and road rash. His first time back in the water was at IM Wisconsin. Garren gained his qualifying slot by his refusal to allow the negative events of the crash diminish his desire to qualify. Very proud of these two, and of course all my athletes…but especially these two who have gone above and beyond what I thought they were capable in their final races of the season. The good news for them is…neither has reached their potential.

The year has been uneventful. My injury at IM Texas left me temporarily disabled for the summer, thus cancelling my season progressively, the most recent cancellation Austin 70.3. I was encouraged last week at IM Hawaii when I was able to string together 4 runs during the week for a total of 14 miles. However, my back spasm that occurred on IM Hawaii race morning prevented me from workouts for another 10 days post Hawaii. I was about to lose my mind by Wed, 5 days later, when the sudden spasm would force me onto a knee. Now nearly 3 weeks later, the spasm is down to a moderate level and I can ride again. Regardless, this is the first time I’ve experienced something like this and I definitely have a new respect for those who live with low back issues on a chronic level.
So, I am hopeful with a month left before IM Cozumel, I can muster up some running to get to maybe a single 2 hour run prior to the event. As of now, running an hour this week with a back brace and 9:30 pace seems very slow, but I’ll only have to wait and see how it all pans out over the next couple weeks. I am confident if I can get a good month of running in before the race, I can jog into a 3:40-45 marathon there. With a solid bike split and average run, hopefully that will gain me the final Kona slot for 2012, and allow me to race “freely” at New Zealand and Coeur d Alene in 2012.

Unforgiven
It’s hard for me to express the depth of my feelings of those events that day. I was angry and frustrated, and continued to be for the next several months. This selfishness I suppose in inherent, but in other ways I’m correct as well. I should have been frustrated. I entered the medical profession to help people and that is the bottom line. This is self-evident in my desire to see those around me succeed, not only in sport, but in life. My life has been altered for the positive by several people in my past. My father, my highschool coach Dave Medley, my marathon coach Peter Maher and my wife Ann to name just four. These four hero’s not only changed my life but imprinted that desire I have to guide others on a positive path that will lead to success. So, contrary to what some may have said regarding my motives in helping others…they will not, and cannot understand, because they arent made up of the same stuff as I am.
This personality trait is probably what resulted in the guilt I felt from being so angry at something that was not only out of my control, but could not have been altered by anything I could have done. So, regardless, my anger, frustration, and unforgiveness has recently led to forgiveness.

Two Years Ago Today
I lost a friend. I still have some echos in my memory when I am alone on my bike, riding through the deep forest along the edge of the cascades, on the same routes Rob and I would ride. Those times we rode together and our personal discussions I won’t forget. Is it coincidence that Rob appeared in a dream I had last last week when I was sleeping on the floor in the only pain free position I could find? No, I believe this connection was developed throughout the week as I lived and worked in almost constant low back pain. This was something Rob lived with throughout life, only relieved by high dose anti-inflammatories, steroids and strong self-awareness. God I am so weak when I think of what he went through. So, it was this I think, that reminded me of my relationship with him. His chronic disease leading to nearly debilitating back pain, a prognosis of only slowly becoming worse, and no foreseable cure. His chronic depression that only rarely manifested itself, in that he kept it swallowed amongst his friends, frequently giving out hugs and a lot of laughs.
The thoughts of my past with Rob will not fade away, as there are just too many reminders. Rob taught me how to swim in 2003. He taught Ann how to swim in 2004. We rode alone together many times, ran, and drank together, when our busy lives allowed.
So yeah, when I was swimming the IM Hawaii swim a couple weeks ago, out alone off wide,  I thought of my first race there in 2004, which led to the awareness on why I was there. My friend Rob was one of the major factors that led me to my first race in Hawaii that year. Rob spent about 2 months three times per week walking along the pool beside me and coaching me along. My first long ride was with Rob. He invited me out with his teammates on Veloce Cycling. Rob stuck with me as I fell back on almost every climb. This was Feb of 2004, and by June I felt unstoppable as I entered my first IM at CdA, missing podium by 30 seconds but finishing well within the Hawaii slots. Rob gave me a huge bear hug when I returned from Idaho that week and I specifically remember his, “I told you you would do it” comment in my ear as his arms wrapped around me. His desire to qualify for Kona persisted and despite his chronic arthritic disease, he always had this in the back of  his mind. I coached Rob intermittenly thoughout the years, and in 2007 we both agreed that we would qualify for ITU Worlds for the following year. I remember sitting alone with Rob that following year, a few days before the ITU race, and discussing the future of our team, the direction, and our perceptions on life. Despite our polital and social differences, we understood each other well, and we knew this when we talked. Rob went on to have, without a doubt, the best race of his life that  weekend in his ITU race that easily converted to a sub 10 hour ironman. That was the happiest I’d seen Rob in awhile as far as race results go, and his confidence to make an attempt at Kona qualification was once again gaining momentum.
I didn’t see Rob much upon our return, as he later moved to Colorado for a new job. He visited his loved ones frequently though, and I saw him on occassion. The following fall, 2009, Rob, Grant and I with our girls, spent the weekend in Hood River for the Cyclocross series. Over beers that night and listening to good music, I thanked Rob for enhancing my life. I decided to do this because of the uncertain future ahead with Rob no longer living in Oregon. I needed to let him know that he was a pivotal factor in my relative success in triathlon and simply reminded him of that. I think he knew this because the three of us raised our beers and he looked me right in the eyes. So, I knew I got the message across to him. I needed to tell him this.

This was the last thing I remember saying to Rob. He was gone about a month later.

Closure
Rob gave me a thin leather necklace the week I left for my first Ironman Hawaii race in 2004, and on it was a bike chain link from the chain he used when he rode across America to raise funds for the Ankylosing Spondylitis Association. That 2004 is still my slowest race ever as a triathlete and was the most difficult to endure. I joking cursed Rob when I got back telling him that necklace gave me bad luck. Yet, still to this day, that is the most memorable race of my life because of what it took just to finish. So, I pulled out my original necklace from 2004, and wore it for Ironman Brazil in 2010, and have in each Ironman since. The necklace now has 2 bike chain links on it. The original one Rob gave me, and the one from his bike chain given to all of his friends at his memorial service in 2009. I enjoy that moment of solitude in every ironman somewhere in the middle of the marathon, when my body wants to shut down and my mind is tired. I felt this in Brazil, Kona, Arizona and Texas. It is at this point I feel Rob’s chainlinks bouncing off my chest, and it brings me back to center.

I think the anger and frustration in part originates from the lack of closure regarding his death in 2009.
I can safely say that all of his close friends probably had the feeling of emptiness and regret that they couldn’t help him. This I think was the primary factor that led to my feelings of regret, and anger at the loss we had all experienced.
In my dream last week, I awoke on the floor to a noise outside. I was alone and it was dark. I looked out onto the deck and with only the reflection of the moon, there was Rob, standing there looking at me through the window. I faded back to sleep, then awoke again and realized it was just a dream. I thought of Rob as I fell back to sleep, from our beginning in the pool in 2003, through our camps in Bend, the solo rides and the races. As I fell asleep, I felt Rob everywhere around me. I spent nearly two years over-coming the anger phase of his death, and it faded away in just those few minutes. I miss my friend. Such is life, and I am fortunate to have reminders to bring him back me in memory.

Horizons
The fact is that no one can possibly know what Rob felt and what he went through. His loss left an emptiness amongst everyone that knew him I’m certain, and it is still felt by his absence. It is human nature that we take things for granted, and become complacent with our lives and those around us. Why do we only realize this after loss.

I shed my anger a couple of weeks back and I am in a good place with Rob now. I am so happy that I was able to tell him how I felt about him that fall in Hood River, even though it may sound trivial. Rob greatly enhanced my life as well as many others around him. Regardless, there will be a new horizon every day. It’s difficult to over-come injury in this sport that we train all year and bank our fitness on a single one day event. However, with my injuries this year and in year’s past, you just move on and look toward the next horizon. We can’t predict the future, but there are some friends and family we can always count on. They will always be beyond that horizon despite adversity that we are living through in the moment. This should be remembered, and tell those you love that you count on them and they are important to you. Don’t live with regret that you didn’t tell them how you feel, and how they’ve improved your life, once they are gone.

Rob, it’s just not the same without you here.